battle, encouragement, journal, life, self

My Daily Journal(MDJ) #1. The Odd Half (October 05, 2015)

I’ve been trying my best to be happy this past few days and it did work. Unfortunately, slowly but surely my old self is trying its way up again in my head. I’ve tried all the possible solution that I can possibly do, but it didn’t work. You see, I’ve been posting about inspirational advises and stuff lately but I have realized that I’m having a very hard time doing it myself. That’s the problem, I know the solution yet I’m having difficulty in applying it in my SELF! And I hate that. Because I have no valid excuse this time. The hardest part is waking up and the time before sleeping in the evening. That’s the time where I gather all my thoughts and all of the sudden my old gloomy, low self-esteem, lonely, sad, angry self kicked in. Then I’ll start to ask my self these questions; “what happen?”, “how did it happen?”, “how are you?”, “Why?, “what if?”… Then I’ll stare in the emptiness in my room, with no one to talk too. I’ll then checked my phone, to see if somebody even care to ask if I’m doing fine or to see if there is someone I can openly talk too. HAHAHA What am I thinking, It has really been a long time since someone besides my family asked me if I’m Okay. Nowadays the messages I always receive is either from my mom or from my organizations and families I belong too. Not even one single message from my old friends, but then again we have our separate lives now. I’ll checked my facebook and then pour my time in writing stuffs because even if I tried to deny it in myself I’m actually a BIG attention seeker. Yes, I am. You see I’m pretty aware with my personal struggles and yet I’m having a really hard time figuring out the things I should do. Then before getting to bed, I’ll start talking to my self. And tell myself, “you’re living a miserable and lonely life looser”. I’m afraid to admit it, but actually that part of myself ┬áspeaking is half true. I’m Lonely, I cant deny that. Even how hard I try to smile a lot outside when I’m alone with my thoughts it all comes back. That’s the reality I’m trying to change. I’ve been praying to God for a very long time now for peace of mind. That’s all I need right now. When my imagination runs wild it’s like I’m fast forwarding my life to future with infinite possibilities but still I cant find a loop hole where I can see myself at peace. I’m also troubled with the idea that I’m getting comfortable talking to myself alone HAHAHAHA “Crazy right!”. This is where the weird odd half comes in. When I’m trying to find solution in what I must do the positive me battles with the ideas of the realistic me. Yes, its like a never ending battle that sometimes I decided to just sleep it out. Sometimes though, I’m able to find a consensus solution to my problems which is not half bad. I really need some life advises right now. I know my priorities in life and I have a goal. And there’s absolutely no one stopping me from getting my goals. But right now the motivational level I have in my self is really low. Self-esteem and self-confidence, HUH! I cant even mention it. I read a lot of books, Inspirational books and the Bible is one of them. And you know what, it does help a LOT. But if you think its like an instant cup noodle that cooks instantly you’re wrong. Its actually a continuous process. Slowly building you up from the rubble and repairing yourself the right way not the easy way. I’m happy that I can feel the change inside me. I know that there is something working inside me, healing me, slowly but surely in time I know I can heal. The hardest battle in life is the battle you have with yourself. I cant truly say that I’m okay right now, but I know I’m changing to a better version of me. I do still have my “episodes” LOL, but I’m greatly positive that in a very near future the words of God will heal me. I’m not posting this on Facebook, because its quite personal but I’ll be doing this journal to show how God change me. This is just the beginning and I’m happy to share these struggles with you!LOL. For now though, I think I need a change of scenery and find new outlets for my self to grow. I’ll leave these words for you today, “Isolation is never the answer. Go out and experience life. Grow and inspire other people. Pray and continue to ask God for guidance. Love and build relationships.” I’ll be doing these things and let’s see how things would turn out…

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A little Encouragement

I encourage you guys to read books that enlightens your soul and not the type that fuels your depression. Listen to positive music and continue asking guidance from God. If you feel down find a support group or someone that you can openly discuss your problems. Unload the unnecessary burden, these things block the entry of positiveness in your life. Don’t isolate yourself from the world just because you think no one understands you. There are a lot of people more than capable of helping you whatever it is your going through. But don’t ever think that someone can fix you. Nobody has the power to fix yourself but only you and God. But it doesn’t mean that nobody can help you to achieve these things. Do you want to be a better version of you? Then start fixing yourself the right way. smile emoticon

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